Monday, November 19, 2012

Proverbs 16:9

Everyday I wear a silver, metal bracelet. You'll never see me out of my house without it on. It's my medical ID and so it has important information on it. Lately I've been looking at it every morning wondering if I even needed to wear it anymore, since I've almost gone a year without any real issues. Truth is I wear it more for myself than emergency personal. See I have Proverbs 16:9 engraved into it along with the name of my disease and contact info should anything happen to me. Proverbs 16:9 is one of my favorite verses because it reminds me that it's not my place to ask "Why?". Though I might set my heart on something and plan accordingly, God has the last say and will lead me as he sees fit. 

A man’s heart plans his way,
But the Lord directs his steps.
Proverbs 16:9  

I want to ask God "Why?" but I know there is no real point. It's not my responsibility to know why things happen, it is however my responsibility to be faithful and to continue putting one foot in front of the other. Besides knowing the why wouldn't make any of the challenges I face disappear. I stated in my last post that December would be a year since my last infusion and that I was looking forward to celebrating this. Guess God had other plans, which for the past 4 years has been the case pretty much all of the time. Three weeks ago I got the results back from my monthly blood work and my Bcells have reached 1%. I could say I'm disappointed or angry but that isn't true, probably because it really hasn't sunk in yet. Right now I'm waiting for the insurance company to approve 2 infusions of Rituxan before the end of the year. Even knowing this I don't think it will really hit me until I'm sitting in the chair getting the infusion. I know then that I'll be angry because I wanted so bad to be able to reach the one year mark. I'm sure that I'll look down at that point and see my medical ID and once again be reminded that my plans are not always what he wants for me.

I considered putting off the chemo even though my Bcells are at 1% but my vision has been getting worse over the past two weeks and I'm battling fatigue daily. I wanted to make it a year, I wanted to celebrate something that a couple of years ago seemed impossible. Instead, I think I'll celebrate the fact that I have a Savior who can give joy through all that I face. Here's how I look at it... God could grant a miracle and cure me of my ailments and be done with it, instead he has worked daily to give me joy and peace in him for the past four years. Frankly that's a lot of work because it's easy to get depressed, yet he continues to stand with me and to not give up on me even on the days I break down and scream "WHY?!" 

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